Sunday 20^th June 2010 found our Lions piously visiting a local religious facility.  Yes, you guessed it was off to Hyndland where the Lions were worshipping at the Church of Touch.  The Glasgow STS tournament was on!

Our brave band of Lions (more than three) drifted into Hyndland like a gentle summer’s breeze.

On arrival they stripped for action (Beefcake led the way) and quickly set about the most important order of business for the day.  The erection, (ooer missus) and decoration of the ‘Glasgow Lions Victor Suarez Birthday Memorial’ Gazebo. Once this was complete and your intrepid match reporter was safely installed within, the real business of the day could begin.  Of course, this was the relentless taunting of their illustrious coach, the afore-mentioned Señor Suarez, as his journey through life took him one step closer to a profligate old age.

When all the best ‘old git’ jokes had been trotted out and inspected, a very special guest arrived to sing ‘Happy Birthday’.  Ladies and Gentlemeeeeeeeen. Miss. Shirley. Basseeeeeeeeeeeeeey.  How unexpected!  VFS was literally blown away and when Ms. Bassey had finished she turned to the birthday boy and said to the assembled crowd, ‘I know Victor dahling, he’s a great little mover but he hasn’t got the range!’

 Now the real, real business of the day could begin.  Let us play Touch!  The Lions were fielding two (not three) teams this event, with the usual suspects in attendance.  Please be upstanding for the arrival on the parks of your teams:

First game of the day was the Glasgow Lions v Six Pack.  A typical slow start from the  Glasgow Lions as they went down 11 – 2.  Andrew Armstrong showed a clean (but scabby) pair of heels to run in both scores for the Lions. 

Next up were the Hellish Lions who put on a convincing display against Wallace Monumentals.  Unfortunately the Monumentals had their speedy Wings out and ran six past the Lions, who, despite failing to score, notched up a moral victory.  At this point the ground came to a standstill as Ms. Bassey could be heard singing ‘I Who Have Nothing’ in the clubhouse.

The Glasgow Lions second match of the day saw them facing up to Edinburgh rivals the Superhands.  Ms Bassey’s verdict on the talents of the Superhands was quite clear ‘Yes, I know the Superhands dahling.  They have the moves, but they don’t have the range.’  Unfortunately, the Superhands used their moves to great effect on the Glasgow Lions as they scored 4 to the Glasgow Lions 1.  A single, glorious score from the House of Kanth.

The Hellish Lions second match of the day was against the Leopards.  Big Cat Celebrity Death Match!  Tragically, the Leopards just got the upper paw, with the final score 6 – 2.  Denis (The Monk) Donoghue took a moment from running sideways to score a peach.  This was closely followed by a spectacular dive across the line from first time Father’s Day celebrator Vinny Bryson. 

There was to be little respite for the Hellish Lions at this tournament and their next match was against the international Ladies 30’s where the terrible Kiwi turncoat took the field against her team mates.  Hellish went down (!) 2-0 to the ladies internationals – a very respectable scoreline indeed.

Next up the Glasgow Lions faced off against the No Pros.  Again Mr Andrew Armstrong put in a sterling performance scoring two against the opposition while Miss Louise Heritage showed the lady Lions how it was done, also scoring two.  The No Pros were not easily defeated however fighting the Lions every step of the way – narrowly losing to a now roaring Lions team 4 – 3.

In the searing summer heat, the Hellish Lions took to the field against a team wearing what can only be described as a kit made from wallpaper – somewhere in the distance Ms Bassey could be heard singing again.  But what was it?  Ah yes, the classic 1973 hit ‘Send in the Clowns’.  What do you mean you weren’t even born then?  Stop reading this at once and go and stand in the corner!  Obviously the outlandish attire proved too much of a distraction for the Hellish Lions and they lost 5 – 0.

Mid afternoon and the sun was high in the sky.  Two teams would take to the field, but only one would emerge victorious.  C’mon the Lions!!  The Glasgow Lions surged to their second victory of the day against Flossietime.  Lions win 5 – 2.  More music – this time ‘Man2Man meet Man Parrish’ singing the improbably titled ‘I was a male stripper in a GoGo bar’.  This could only mean one thing!  Beefcake led the charge, scoring against the Stirling Flossies.  Closely followed by that man Armstrong (twice no less, in 20 minutes!), Louise H and VFS – an early birthday present for the Lions chorizo…

Another pink clad team next for Hellish, as they faced up to the International Ladies Open team – We Spoon Men (still no excuse for the eye searing pink).  Strangely the site of lots of blonde, fit, pink clad ladies put the Hellish Lions off all over again and the Hellish Lions went down 5 – 0.

Glasgow Lions next game was versus the Guerillas.  By now, the heat and the full on pace of the day was beginning to take its toll and they lost 2 – 0.

The Glasgow Lions were then facing up to arch rivals Geckos, green clad and evil all.  Despite a good start and a great score from Dermot K, the Lions failed to win by 5 – 1.

The final regular game of the day for Hellish Lions saw them pitched against the Meerkats.  It was ‘All Just a Little Bit of History Repeating’ for the Hellish Lions as they lost (very respectably) 8 – 0 to the tank top wearers.

Finals.

Due to a late withdrawal(!), Hellish Lions found themselves in the Plate Final where they faced Flossietime.  Clearly the Stirling team were still reeling from their defeat at the hands of Glasgow Lions and it was left to the Hellish Lions to finish them off. 

Which the Hellish Lions did in grand style.  Fairycake ran in the first of the match, with the Flossies answering soon after.  Next across the line was Dennis (The Monk) Donoghue, who managed to score while assaulting an opposing player – extra points surely?? 

The Monk headbutted the foot of an opposing Flossie as he dived across the line to score the Hellish Lions second of the match – putting them ahead 2 – 1.  Despite this traumatic injury (it didn’t look like he had hidden an egg under his eyebrow at all) he staggered up and on, and fooled the opposition by scoring a second (the third of the match). 

3-1 up.  The crowd is hushed.   Even Ms Bassey is quiet.   The hooter sounds.   It’s the final touch of the match and the Hellish Lions are ahead.  Now, your intrepid match reporter is no medical expert.  However, it seems to me, that Dennis (The Monk) Donoghue must have suffered some sort of concussive injury when headbutting the Flossie earlier in the match.  Because....did he take the final touch?  Not quite.  Channelling the spirit of Dan Parks, the illustrious Mr Donoghue turned and booted the ball clear to Byres Road.  Perpelexed?  We were. 

The refs looked at each other.  The refs looked at the illustrious Mr Donoghue. He looked back.  The refs looked at the supporters on the sidelines.  They looked back.  Never in the annals of Touch had anyone ever seen anything so bizarre.  What to do next?  After much staring about, the match continued and eventually even mad dog Donoghue’s conspicuous act of sabotage could not defeat the Hellish Lions and THEY WON THE PLATE!!!!!!!!!

It was now down to the Glasgow Lions to defend the honour of the club as they took the field against No Pros in the Quaich Final.  After the drama of the Hellish final, this was a fairly routine romp to the finish line.  A slightly shaky start as the No Pros took first blood, but to punish them, a particular favourite of Ms Bassey scored the first for the Glasgow Lions – Elaine Clarke levelling the score – ‘I know Elaine dahling,’ an estatic Ms Bassey was overheard to cheer from the sidelines ‘she has the moves and she DOES have the range!!!’

The Flossie’s were not going to take this lying down however and sneaked in a second.  ‘How very dare they?’ said Ms Bassey and just to impress her, young Armstrong ran in another three to teach them a lesson.  The Flossie’s expended their last lump of effort to score one last time.  But it was too little, too late and the match finished 4 -3 to the Glasgow Lions – making them the Quaich winners.  Hurray.  Another successful, silverware winning, day of fun in the sun.  With the added bonus of birthday cake and Ms Shirley Bassey (although I might have made that bit up).

All that remained was to scoop a couple of prizes in the raffle, come second in the pub quiz and then wander off into the night.  Another STS event finished for another year. 

Roll on Aberdeen!!!!

MVP Hellish – Kelly StickyFingers – you know her, the posh Welsh one…

And a special thanks to our intrepid reporter who not only provides us with entertaining match reports, but also provided the memorial gazebo, an esky of ice packs, ice to keep cool a few refreshments and her stirling support from the sidelines.  Thanks Belinda!  

Pictures can be view in our gallery.